Friday, January 28, 2005


E-Z Payment Plan

Well, Dr. Sanctiblogger, the problem is that this little symbol here is the only thing that will prevent you from being subsumed in the Ding-an-sich. So, with part of it rubbed away, as you can see, it’s likely you will be at least partially subsumed by nothingness, your monadic essence will be shattered, if you try to enter. The only solution I can think of is to take out some monadic insurance.

Monadic insurance, you say, Captain Leibniz?

Yes, indeed. I have a policy here, for example, that assures you will have sufficient reasons to remain a vast single network of explanation in there.

How can an insurance policy protect me from being broken into components, both past and present?

Well, frankly, it’s the only thing that can. What were you thinking of? Prayer? Amulets?

No, I was thinking of maybe a special suit of some sort.

Ho, ho. I see you’ve been talking to those Scientologists again. It’s pure rubbish. The fact is, with a policy from me, you’ll be fully protected. It’s never failed. We call it the Pangloss Policy. How do you think conservatism was pulled out of the abyss? How do you think Dick Cheney avoided becoming one with Rove? How do you think the roadies on the Jesus and Mohammed Pre-Rapture 70 Virgins Tour survive? Or even the guitars, for that matter?

Really. Impressive. And, ummm, the cost?

Quite reasonable. I can issue you a policy that will cover your monadic integrity for a week in the Ding-an-sich for only $10,000.

Ten thousand dollars! Outrageous.

Fine, then. Go in there yourself with that card. Take your chances.

Look, if a monad is indivisible, what do I have to worry about?

You obviously don’t understand the power of the Ding-an-sich, both as a concept and a reality. Look at poor Professor Royce in that cell over there. A theorem here, an enthememe there, scarcely recognizable as a complete idea atall. And he went in with a complete card. It was, unfortunately, expired and he didn’t realize it.

But I don’t have ten grand.

Come here with me, let’s go get a hamburger at the mess hall. I’m on the intel staff here, and I think I can work out a nice easy payment plan for you, if you don't mind a little pain…

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