Wednesday, November 17, 2004


Jesus Comes To

Jesus lay on a pile of burlap sacks, trying to remember what had happened. Last he remembered was two guys breaking the plate window of the spa and yanking him off the massage table, stuffing him into a sack, and hauling him off.

Where was he? In a small room, with a fat angel sitting in an easy chair with a sword, smoking a cigar and watching a small television. Jesus kept mum.

The television show was about all about his Dad. But it couldn’t be real. …

Yahweh proudly introduced his new family today during a simultaneous broadcast beamed worldwide. Poolside with him was his new wife, Donna Sue Baxter-Yahweh, and his new mother-in-law, Yolanda Jo Odell. Mrs. Baxter-Yahweh, a former Miss Florida contestant, is a thrice-divorced mother of eight who claims to be 32 years old. She and Yahweh, although only married a week, are expecting a baby, due around December 25 of this year.

The happy groom and father-to-be, as you can see, is beaming.

“…Oh, yes, yes, ha ha ha, we’re hoping for a girl. We’ll name her Rhonda Jean after Donna Sue’s grandmother. Oh, sure, it was all-natural, indeed. We did the nasty. Yep. Back about eight months ago, in fact. We’d still be doing it now, but it’s kind of hard, what with this big belly, here, ha ha. But I figured I’d better make an honest girl of her, you know, since I am God and everything, ho ho. Makeover? Ha, ha, heavens, no. Yes, I did get a tan. Yep, lost a few pounds, too. Why, thank you. The recount? I’d rather not talk about that right now. I hear it’s going well. The New Muscular Christianity? Feh. I have no comment on that silliness. As far as I’m concerned, Jesus is dead. I have no son named Jesus. And the REAL muscular religion is right here, buddy, ha ha...”

Jesus just lay there, blinking back tears. Could it be true? Could his Dad have been behind his kidnapping? Maybe he got tired of pretending I wasn't there. B-but, why? Why, Dad? And where could Mary be? And the Holy Ghost? And Bongo, my pet monkey? The tears were really enough to break your heart, watching him as he looked at the television.

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