Wednesday, October 13, 2004


The Mountain Speaks

It’s still pretty dangerous here on Mount St. Helens, Jane. I’ll keep broadcasting as long as I can. The sulfur fumes are thick.

Okay, Roger.

My name is Peter, Jane.

No, I meant “roger,” as in, okay.

Roger that, Jane.

Okay, Mike, can you bring that shot into the frame?

What’s wrong with the mike?

No, Jane, the mike is fine. I was talking to Mike, the cameraman.

Oh, I see. What is this that we’re seeing at home?

You’re at home, Jane? When did the network begin allowing that?

I meant for our viewers at home. I’m in the studio, Mike.

My name is Peter.

Right. What is that we’re seeing, both here in the studio and at home?

It’s a temple, in the Corinthian style. I’m told it’s ancient Greek, according to Dr. Pasclovich, here. Is that correct, professor?

Yes, that’s correct. It’s apparently a temple erected to Hermes. You can see there, on the architrave, the words in Greek, “Welcome to Hermectoral College Main Campus.”

Hermectoral College? Some sort of a school, then?

No, no, I don’t think so. At first that seemed logical, but what we found inside suggests that it’s actually some sort of elaborate voting fraud organization headed by Hermes.

Voting fraud? They had voting in ancient Greece? Er, I mean, in ancient Greek America?

Greece was the cradle of democracy, of course, but this doesn’t appear to be related to voting in ancient Greece. It appears to be a purely American phenomenon, albeit ancient.

I don’t understand. America is only 228 years old.

The United States, yes. But this is older than that, probably closer to 2,000 years. Inside we have found inscriptions in an Athabascan tongue previously thought to be purely an oral language. Apparently voter fraud has been a focus of American culture since long before the arrival of the United States on the political scene.


Oh, that’s not the half of it. There’s a prophecy.


Yes. It says, “When he who bears the simian one comes the mountain will open; when the mountain opens, the college will be in its final session; when the college has its last session all representative government shall come to an end under the one who brings the smirk of the simian one.”

Who is this “simian one”?

I don’t know, but clearly the mountain has opened up.

The prophecy is being fulfilled?

If you believe in that sort of thing, I suppose.

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