Wednesday, October 20, 2004


Didn't See a Thing

“I’m just telling you what I saw, Lieutenant.”

“Right, and I’m telling you what you DIDN’T see. Get it?”

“But Lieutenant—“

“Look, Sergeant Hymenoptera, if you like those stripes and you like working for the Baltimore Police as a detective, I recommend you didn’t see a gang of giant fish wearing leather jackets in a brawl on the waterfront. Capiche?”

“Look at the video from my cruiser again, Lieutenant. See? On their jackets? The Yellowfins. And there—see that fish head with the cigarette dangling out of its mouth? See there—that fat one with the big fins beating the living shit out of that fisherman? It was his wife’s frantic cell phone call that brought me down there in the first place—she kept screaming about ‘gangsta fish, gangsta fish’ and I—“

“—Look, Sergeant. One more time.” Lieutenant Myriapod said slowly, rising out of his chair. Something under his uniform rippled like thousands of hairs or legs as he rose. “There were no giant gangster fish on the waterfront. None. Got it? Or do I need to make myself plainer?”

“No sir.”

“Good.” The Lieutenant sat down again, and the rippling under his uniform stopped. “Now, take these and get them up around the city. Mayor’s orders.” He shoved a pile of posters across the desk.

Each one was emblazoned with “YAHWEH FOR GOD in ’04,” and a picture of a gray-haired, bearded guy in a robe whose face shone like a sun. Underneath the picture it said, in smaller print, “Steady Leadership in Dangerous Times—Don’t Change Gods in Mid-Apocalypse!”

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