Monday, September 20, 2004

 

Competition

What mean you, they put Lu in a Yahweh suit?

I’m just telling you what I hear, O Most Merciful.

Truly? In a Yahweh suit? Hoo-hoo. And he would run an American theocracy? Why not put him in me?

They would never attempt to put him in a suit of yours, Holy One. The American public wouldn’t understand. They think you ARE Satan, remember?

Ooooh, yes, yes. This is too wonderful, it is.

What do you mean?

Well, clearly they would have to get Yahweh out of the way. This would leave vast tracts of heaven undeveloped. And I have some ideas, I do, for a mall, and a large mosque, barbecue pits and a harem ...

You are the All-knowing One, sire, but I must tell you that I do not think they would have to get Yahweh out of the way to do this.

No? But he will never stand for an impostor running things, right out in the open like that.

Who would believe him? It would come down to a matter of credibility—and who’s more persuasive, Lucifer or Yahweh? Who has more people paid off in high places?

I see your point. I could come out and endorse the false Yahweh. This would raise my credibility here, while opening up new real estate options in heaven.

Precisely.

But what about Buddha? What about the others?

The Enlightened One is running around in a suicidal funk, eating handsful of barbiturates. I don’t think there’s any room for a compassionate deity anymore, especially one that transcends suffering. And the Olympians are content to eat barbecue and rake in the royalties from Troy. The Hindu deities, as you know, are working on a movie of their own. And Valhalla is really more of an ongoing orgy than anything else. There is no danger of competition.

Hooo-hoo! I am pleased. Keep me up to date on developments.

Yes, sire. Another virgin?

No, thank you. I’m full.




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